‘Desperation’ is an ugly word...

On to business. You’ll notice that there hasn’t been a whole lot of activity here of late. That’s only because I haven’t done anything about it. Don’t attempt to adjust your set; this is purely laziness on my side. Point one is that I’m going to try to spill something into this part of the internet every Friday. I figure that if I give myself a weekly deadline then I might just become a little more productive.
And there’s no room for cynicism, so keep your predictions to yourself.

Point two is that I only had a point one, so I suppose now I’ll just have to waffle on about all of the movies I’ve watched in the last few week.

Is anyone else like me in that they can abstain from watching films for weeks at a time before bingeing on whatever comes to hand?

Yeah?

No?

Whatever the case, it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve done very little in the past couple of weeks other than go to work, play with my superfantastic new phone and watch a host of movies such as...

TRIANGLE (2009)
I’m not really sure what this film is trying to say but it reminds me of an incident that happened just before I left Ireland. A couple of friends and I had gone on a mammoth mushroom picking frenzy and cooked the whole lot up in a thick, pungent stew. This seemed like a really good idea back then, but we were younger and less frightened of petty things like consequences and brain damage and psychosis.

To cut a long story short, the three of us relived the same three minute sequence over and over again for about four hours at the end of which, we assumed we’d broken reality and banished the rest of humanity from existence.

I hadn’t thought of that night in a long time...until I watched Triangle.

In this film, a group of friends are on a sailing trip when their boat is destroyed by a freak storm. As luck would have it, a huge liner happens to be passing by. They board the ship only to find that it is completely deserted, rather old and incredibly creepy.

One thing leads to another and they all die except for Jess, Melissa George’s character who leans over the side of the ship to see herself and all of her friends clinging to their upturned yacht, glad that a huge liner just happens to be passing by.

And so, the loop repeats itself...just like too many mushrooms.
It just gets stranger from there and if you’re looking for something to confuse you, give Triangle a shot. If you just want the fear without the bewilderment, then maybe you should try...

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2010)
As horror remakes go, A Nightmare on Elm Street is about as inspiring as any other. The plot is essentially the same as the 1984 original – Freddy Krueger got burnt to death by a mob of angry parents who didn’t take too kindly to his paedophilic tendencies and then wreaks his vengeance by hunting their children in their dreams. It needs no further explanation.

The new version sees Jackie Earle Haley take up Robert Englund’s role as the dream demon and, to give him his dues, he pulls the role off rather well. Also, the remake lacks the cheesiness that the original had in abundance and in its place is pure darkness.

If you’re expecting an addition to the franchise, then you won’t find it here. This film lacks the tongue-in-cheek humour and takes the idea in a slightly different direction. If you are one of those people who thought the original was a little too slapstick to be scary, then perhaps the remake is for you.

And just because I like threes...

ALICE IN WONDERLAND (2010)
Another remake, and this time, it’s slightly more credible because Tim Burton directed it. This has everything you would expect from a Burton film including the extensive use of black and white check pattern, warped perspectives and spooky trees (not to mention the inevitable Helena Bonham Carter). In this project, you’ll find a little bit more because we have a typically weird director choosing a classically weird story written by a prodigiously weird author.

The story, as you’d expect, has been changed slightly if only to save us all from boredom. Burton’s film is permeated with a definite post-war melancholy – this is Wonderland after the apocalypse and it’s Alice’s job to rescue it from the clutches of the evil Red Queen.

It was a good experience but I found myself ignoring the nonsensical dialogue just so that I could follow the plot. That’s right, there was a plot, so if you’re used to Alice being a wild romp into random, then prepare yourself for a little more effort.

So there you go, three films to try out when you really should be doing other things. I’ll be back next Friday with something else. I’m not sure what that’ll be and I’m totally open to suggestions. ‘Desperation’ is an ugly word, but it’s the only one that’s relevant...